I am a fat fuck

I started my old blog with a similar title the same way back in December of 2010. At that point, I weighed in at a whopping 243 lbs at only 5’4.5″. I was a fat, blobbular Hobbit-like creature wearing nearly size 20 jeans. I was miserable in my own skin and my life sucked. No, seriously…I was in physical pain and unhappy in every aspect of my life. 

Then, I went and lost all kinds of weight with healthy eating and daily exercise (constant vigilance and the determination of the grandest optimist in the world). In 2013, I weighed in at my lowest in YEARS at 152 lbs. I looked great, felt wonderful and believed myself to be invincible…strong and definitely more confident. My world was great. I was blogging pretty much every day and I had a decent following of inspirational fellow bloggers who I looked up to and who fueled me on my healthy path. I loved the community I had around me of people fighting the same fight, losing weight and getting healthier themselves…feeling limitless and healthy. 

In September 2013, my beloved father became gravely ill, he ended up passing away in October. I quit blogging. I fell into a great depression. Meds were assigned to help me cope and cover up what I was feeling about the world. I thought I could easily hold everything together, especially since I had always spouted how no-matter-what-happens-in-your-life-you-must-never-lose-focus-of-your-own-health. I even used to rip on people in my old blog who gained back weight after a life trauma. I’d scoff at their inability to keep their shit together. Well, turns out, I fucking suck and I let life grab me by the throat and I fell into chubby despair. I ate junk and spent the longest, coldest winter on record sitting on my ever-growing fat ass not even thinking about consequences. 

For months, I let myself down. I let my deceased father down. I let my kids down. I let anyone who ever gave two shits about my weight-loss life down. 

I finally managed to get my fat ass on the scale this a.m. to take responsibility for what I’ve done to my own body in the last few months. I weighed in at a whopping 184.2 lbs. 


Am I really going to finally just do it this time? Will I lose the 30 pounds I’ve packed back on over the last few, depressing, miserable months? YES. How do I know this? Cuz I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again and I’ll use this blog as the fire under my lard-ass.

I also know this:

1.) I’m sitting here in my workout clothes (which are tight again – fuck) and I’m queuing up my Leslie Sansone DVDs for a good workout. 

2.) I tracked my breakfast for the day via my Bodbybugg (which I’m wearing again…as of this morning)

3.) I’m going to start blogging again, each and every day. 

4.) I don’t care what anyone says (negative or positive) here. You can hate me all you want for fucking up. I’m fully aware so your comments about how disappointed you are will be moot at this point. The level of self-deprecation I feel over letting myself go is insurmountable and I am my own worst critic. As a matter of fact, go at it for all I care and let me know in the comment section. Troll the shit out of me for all I care. I know what I’ve done and I’m here to correct it. If you don’t want to follow me: fine. If you want to come here just to gawk: fine. I’m not letting negative comments do what they did to me on my old blog. I don’t care anymore. I’ve seen the errors and I’m here to correct them and that’s good enough for me. Y’all got that? Good. There’s no sugar-coating for me here anymore (I’ve already sugar-coated my hips again…and the reality has set in and I’m here to fix it). 

5.) I’m doing this for myself and not for any other reason. Blogging is how I hold accountability best. This is how I got the results I got the last time. I’m not quitting. I’ve got much to prove to myself. 



Now…I’m off to exercise and get the fuck on with my life. 


29 thoughts on “I am a fat fuck

  1. I consider you a friend, even though we’ve only met through virtual reality. You helped me stay on track those years and I watched your precious little boys grow up. I, too, have fallen off the wagon and am distressed at where I find myself. An illness forced me to seek a dr’s care, and exercise went by the wayside. Now I find myself with another medical situation and the weight lost is now gaining. You are not alone, dear friend, and you are just as much an inspiration as before b/c you are REAL. You have been brutally honest every step of the way. You encouraged me and allowed me to share in the “work” of getting in better shape. Days I want to throw in the towel altogether, I see your posts and think, “What would she tell me?”
    Don’t give up. You’ve hit a pothole in the road. Climb on out and keep moving. Don’t measure yourself-worth by a number. Live! Love life, and seek to do good all your days. You’ve done an amazing job and you are FAR from where you started. And you are cared for more than you know. In my prayers and thoughts each day as always. And I can’t wait for the day I can tell you in person….Blessings!

    • Hugs, CJ! I’m here for you. Life happens. The older we get, the more illnesses will hop in the way and cause damage and…unfortunately, weight gain. We’ll conquer this. Slowly, if need be, but surely!


  2. YAY! I’m so glad there are women like you who know how to own their shit and mistakes and figure out how to act upon it and fix it and go on with life! =) Onward! (and really glad you are ok too ;-D )

    • 🙂

      I messed up. I REALLY messed up. And I knew what I was doing the entire time, too. It was disgraceful and utterly shameful and I’m paying for it: big time. It took me a long time to face it and to come on here and be honest with, not only myself, but with everyone else who watched me kick ass before the Big Stroke.

      But I will completely atone for my errors with every drip of sweat and spoonful of kale. 😉

    • I was starting to pull my babies into my bullshit. 😦 I can’t do that to my kids. My dad is rolling over in his grave because of how I’ve let myself go. I can’t do this anymore. I need to right the ship.

  3. I wrote about it in my very first entry: weight loss is fucking WARFARE. We fight against an enemy that knows our deepest, darkest secrets and all our weaknesses. It’s hard work to keep fighting, day in and day out. You went through a difficult time and I’m SO GLAD you’re back. I’ve often thought about you and how you’re doing. I have absolutely NO DOUBT you’ll get the ship back on the straight and narrow. Give er’ and know I’ll be here to be positive. 🙂

  4. it happens! it happens to all of us. I have checked in on your blog to see if you were back from time to time and I’m so glad to see you are back now. Life sometimes throws you curve balls and we all handle it different (I always wish I was the type of person who loses weight when stressed but I’m not) You know you can do it again and feel good about yourself again. Don’t be so hard on yourself, you are human and this is what most of us have to deal with. Just remember how good you felt before when you lost weight and vent on here if you need to. Good luck, we are rooting for ya!!

    • “I always wish I was the type of person who loses weight when stressed but I’m not” – I agree! haha!

      I do remember how great I felt when I was down to 152. I’m embracing that feeling again…even though I’m a lot jigglier now. I want it so bad that I can taste it…er…..wait.

  5. Hey man, ease up on yourself a little bit, m’kay??!!??
    I, too, have regained practically every hard-fought ounce I lost during Allan’s challenges but have managed to stabilize this sinking ship… We got this!
    (Couldn’t log onto Chubzilla blog; did you take private??)
    Best wishes, Val

    • Ahh, shit Val. We’ll get it together! We’ll get our old selves back! Right? RIGHT!

      Apparently, in my absence, some bariatric clinic in Sweden stole my links to Chubzilla and claimed that I had gastric bypass and that I documented about it in that successful blog. They did this without my knowledge or consent. So I’m pretty mad for many reasons. I made it private so they couldn’t use it on their Webpage again and I have absolutely no idea how to sue someone for stealing intellectual property and/or libel…which is what they did. Ugh.

  6. I’m just glad you are back. I’ve checked on you several times. Stop being so hard on yourself. Life just caught up with you – it happens to the best of us. I’m confident that you will be back on track in no time.

  7. I’m so glad you’re back! You could have easily stayed away until you lost the weight and then popped back up and acted like you had maintained all this time. I love how you are owning it and I know you will do what it takes to lose this weight. Just when I feel like I finally got motivated I found out I was pregnant. I am doing all I can to have a healthy pregnancy and I am already making plans to lose the weight for good this time after I have the baby. I know I’m the only one that can do it for me.

    • Everyone is having babies! Congrats! Hang in there, too. Those pregnancies are no fun. The plus side is that you get to lose weight that’s naturally added for cushion for the little one. It’s the fun part of pregnancy. You’re allowed the extra padding and then you get to run it off afterward while chasing around the toddler. 🙂 Hang in there and I hope the rest of your pregnancy is easy-peasy.

  8. Welcome back! I have missed you and your inspirational self. I have been stalled in my weight loss and look forward to losing along with you.

    • I’m missed all of you, too. I’m amazed by how I’m not alone in this gain and how everyone else has stalled. Luckily, we can all get our poo together and kick it into gear again. Right?

  9. Glad to have you back. I love reading your blog. What you are going through is real life. Some other blogs you read sugar coat everything, but this shit is hard! Can’t wait to read more.

  10. I’m so glad you are back. I’ve followed you for a while now. I lost 80lbs. My dad died 2012…then I got pregnant. I had the baby in …2013. I’ve gained 77 lbs. I am so ashamed…so beyond ashamed.

    • Oh, man. I’m so sorry for your loss, but I’m happy that you gained a baby! It’s one of those brutal Plus/Minus situations.

      Ugh…the shame…the shame hurts. It’s ineffable, really. I can’t even begin to tell you how shameful I felt over my gain and how it actually made me spiral more out of control. I could’ve come on here and blogged sooner, before I tacked on 32.4 lbs. I could have, but I was so ashamed and so worried about what others would think (especially since people were apparently inspired by my weight loss). I felt like I was letting everyone down. It led to more eating and more inactivity and I wallowed in it. Then, I woke up this morning…after a night of not-so-great sleep due to worrying about my increasing and never-ending weight gain…and I thought, “You know what? Screw it! I messed up. Everyone messes up! I need to nip this in the bud now and just admit what’s happened and then CHANGE IT.” And…here I am. Time will tell how I do, but I am so tired of feeling ashamed that I can’t imagine this being another false start.

      Plus, the only person who can change it is…well…me, right?

      You’re in the same boat. Get healthy for that baby. Make your dad proud. I’m on board with you. 🙂 Let’s shake off the shame and deal with our demons. Hugs!

  11. Hey, better 30 pounds than 60 or more, right? Your story with your dad is similar to mine. My dad had dementia and other problems (not weight related though) and I had to put him in a convalescent home and then move him to a board and care. He died suddenly in his sleep (so I have been told and I torture myself thinking that was not the case), and I didn’t get to say good bye. This was in April 2013. I have been gaining and losing the same 10 pounds ever since. What’s different is that I do have weight related illnesses (diabetes, high blood pressure and I recently lost the feeling in one of my toes) and I still can’t get it together. Although, I keep trying and I will never give up the fight! During my many years on this earth I have learned to never say never and to never judge others. We are all on a different paths looking for our own answers.
    Don’t worry about yesterday, focus on today and the days ahead. You will do great!

  12. I think you look great. It’s all about perspective. There are people weighing 250lbs now that would kill to be starting at 185. Glad you are back, I was worried about you!

  13. Glad to see you back. I hope on this journey to get the 30 pounds off, you can be a little kinder to yourself. Putting a fire under your ass doesn’t mean treating your body as the enemy. I read you regularly in 2012 and 2013, and you still called yourself a disgusting pig even at your lowest weight and harped on every flaw, jiggle and slip-up. What’s the motivation to work your ass off (literally) if you aren’t ever really happy with the results? Though I am fortunate to have a normal BMI, my weight is currently 10 pounds over where I like it to be. And the truth is, even 10 pounds lighter, I hate how I look and pick myself apart daily. So I am struggling with eating better and exercising when I know I’ll be in the same dark place in terms of body image no matter what the scale says. Just food for thought, so to speak. And I am so sorry for the loss of your father.

  14. Welcome back 🙂 You haven’t heard from me much on your blog, but I’ve read for a long time and have missed your posts and wondered how you were doing. I actually had no doubt that even if you were struggling you’d eventually write a post just like this one and pull yourself back into the fight. I think you’re awesome. Keep on keepin’ on and share the struggle with us on here so those of us with less “fight” in us than you can get that kick in the butt we need!

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