I started my old blog with a similar title the same way back in December of 2010. At that point, I weighed in at a whopping 243 lbs at only 5’4.5″. I was a fat, blobbular Hobbit-like creature wearing nearly size 20 jeans. I was miserable in my own skin and my life sucked. No, seriously…I was in physical pain and unhappy in every aspect of my life.
Then, I went and lost all kinds of weight with healthy eating and daily exercise (constant vigilance and the determination of the grandest optimist in the world). In 2013, I weighed in at my lowest in YEARS at 152 lbs. I looked great, felt wonderful and believed myself to be invincible…strong and definitely more confident. My world was great. I was blogging pretty much every day and I had a decent following of inspirational fellow bloggers who I looked up to and who fueled me on my healthy path. I loved the community I had around me of people fighting the same fight, losing weight and getting healthier themselves…feeling limitless and healthy.
In September 2013, my beloved father became gravely ill, he ended up passing away in October. I quit blogging. I fell into a great depression. Meds were assigned to help me cope and cover up what I was feeling about the world. I thought I could easily hold everything together, especially since I had always spouted how no-matter-what-happens-in-your-life-you-must-never-lose-focus-of-your-own-health. I even used to rip on people in my old blog who gained back weight after a life trauma. I’d scoff at their inability to keep their shit together. Well, turns out, I fucking suck and I let life grab me by the throat and I fell into chubby despair. I ate junk and spent the longest, coldest winter on record sitting on my ever-growing fat ass not even thinking about consequences.
For months, I let myself down. I let my deceased father down. I let my kids down. I let anyone who ever gave two shits about my weight-loss life down.
I finally managed to get my fat ass on the scale this a.m. to take responsibility for what I’ve done to my own body in the last few months. I weighed in at a whopping 184.2 lbs.
Am I really going to finally just do it this time? Will I lose the 30 pounds I’ve packed back on over the last few, depressing, miserable months? YES. How do I know this? Cuz I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again and I’ll use this blog as the fire under my lard-ass.
I also know this:
1.) I’m sitting here in my workout clothes (which are tight again – fuck) and I’m queuing up my Leslie Sansone DVDs for a good workout.
2.) I tracked my breakfast for the day via my Bodbybugg (which I’m wearing again…as of this morning)
3.) I’m going to start blogging again, each and every day.
4.) I don’t care what anyone says (negative or positive) here. You can hate me all you want for fucking up. I’m fully aware so your comments about how disappointed you are will be moot at this point. The level of self-deprecation I feel over letting myself go is insurmountable and I am my own worst critic. As a matter of fact, go at it for all I care and let me know in the comment section. Troll the shit out of me for all I care. I know what I’ve done and I’m here to correct it. If you don’t want to follow me: fine. If you want to come here just to gawk: fine. I’m not letting negative comments do what they did to me on my old blog. I don’t care anymore. I’ve seen the errors and I’m here to correct them and that’s good enough for me. Y’all got that? Good. There’s no sugar-coating for me here anymore (I’ve already sugar-coated my hips again…and the reality has set in and I’m here to fix it).
5.) I’m doing this for myself and not for any other reason. Blogging is how I hold accountability best. This is how I got the results I got the last time. I’m not quitting. I’ve got much to prove to myself.
Now…I’m off to exercise and get the fuck on with my life.